Published 7/13/26
The billboard flashed in gaudy colors: “The F4CR Assistant Robot—Your companion through life.”
“Yeah, some companion you are,” grumbled Shmay under his breath as he scooped a dozen broken eggs off the sidewalk.
“I’m sorry, Shmay,” his F4CR said, “I really thought I could carry the groceries. I may need to go back to CorpoTek for further programming.”
“Well, you could at least help clean this up,” Shmay replied.
“Certainly, I will deploy the cleaning protocol now.”
The F4CR flipped up his index finger and a blackish oil squirted out, landing on the eggshells and yolks and dirty broccoli.
“What are you doing, F4CR? You’re making it worse.”
Before the F4CR could respond, he bent over and a flame shot out of his shiny metal ass—igniting the pile on fire.
“What the hell, F4CR, you’re making things worse.”
“Oh deary me. I suppose I really do need a tune-up.”
Luckily, a nearby store owner was cleaning the sidewalk in front of his shop with a hose and scrubber and ran over to drench the fire.
“You really should be more careful with that F4CR, those things are a menace.”
“Yeah, you’re telling me.”
The store owner grumbled away as Shmay looked at the wet pile of ashy groceries.
“Can I help, sir?”
“F4CR, you’ve really helped enough.”
“Remember, sir, this isn’t a roadblock—it’s a challenge to overcome.”
Shmay first got a companion robot 6 months ago when the F1CR was released. Back then it went by its full name: Functional 1 Companion Robot. Lots of people made fun of the “functional” part of the name. So by the time the second edition came out, CorpoTek had shortened the name to F2CR.
Shmay had bought into the hype of the F1CR. He was always into the latest gadgets. He was the first one he knew to get a Chameleon Jacket that could change colors with an app. One night he was at the bar and a bunch of tech bros invited him to their table to do Shmaltz shots. They worked for CorpoTek and drunkenly spouted about how the F1CR was going to change everything.
“It’s going to take calls, respond to messages, do your dishes—it’s even gonna do your taxes, bro.”
Shmay was sold. He put down payment on the F1CR that night.
But soon after his F1CR was delivered, he quickly realized the product did not live up to the hype. Just three days in, he was ready to return it after it had smashed every dish in his sink.
“So much for being able to do the dishes.”
Shmay was one of the lucky ones. One of his friends had an F1CR that caught on fire while trying to fold laundry and burned down an entire apartment complex. That wasn’t even the worst story Shmay had heard. Some sources said F1CRs had racked up a death toll in the dozens, if not the hundreds across the city. At least for Shmay, the annoyances were more of the mundane variety.
When Shmay went to return his F1CR at his local CorpoTek, the slick AI sales manager convinced him that these were just prototypes, the F2CR was already in production and was way better, way smarter, and that he’d get a huge discount on release and blah blah blah.
Of course, he bought into that hype too.
2 more times around the enshittification merry-go-round and here he was with a F4CR. CorpoTek called it the Forcer. But everyone Shmay knew referred to it as the Fucker.
Shmay grabbed a nearby trash can lid and swept as much of the wet, burnt pile as he could into it before dumping everything into the trash. Just then, the F4CR beeped:
“You have a message, it’s from Brittaeneey.”
Shmay’s heart jumped. Brittaeneey was a girl Shmay had met at work and had a crush on for months. She was pretty, had dyed her hair silver in the new style, and wore neon green nail polish. The day she started work she had walked up to Shmay’s desk wearing a Horny Leprechauns shirt—Shmay’s favorite local band—and he was instantly into her.
“I am detecting an increase in your heart rate and increased blood flow in your pelvic region.” An old lady was walking by just as the F4CR said that. She looked at Shmay with disgust and his face turned red. “Now your face is turning red. Who is Brittaeneey?”
“Come on F4CR, don’t say stuff like that in public. Besides, you know who Brittaeneey is. Can you not remember anything?”
“Oh Brittaeneey, the lady who lives in the apartment above you? She’s 82 and married which makes your vital responses—strange.”
“No, F4CR! That’s Brenaylee. Brittaeneey is the girl I work with, the one I have a crush on, the pretty one with silver hair and green nails that I want to ask out but I’m too scared. Don’t you listen to anything?”
As he finished, the F4CR beeped and said “Message sent.”
“Oh no F4CR oh no, tell me right now, which message did you send?”
“I sent: ‘Hi Brittaeneey—the pretty one with silver hair and green nails—I want to ask you out but I’m too scared. Would you like to do drinks or a walk in the p…”
Before the F4CR finished reading the text, Shmay’s vision started spinning and his world went dark.
The next thing Shmay knew, he was being carried over someone’s shoulder. It was cold and hard. So it wasn’t someone—it was some thing. A robot? But not the F4CR, the F4CR was far too weak and uncoordinated to carry a person.
He blinked his eyes open and rubbed the gunk out.
He was 8 feet off the ground. He started kicking and squirming and a voice below him boomed: “Easy human, I’m carrying you to the nearby CorpoTek medical center.”
“No, stop, put me down, that will bankrupt me, I’m fine.”
The trash robot carrying Shmay looked at the F4CR to make sure it was ok, then put Shmay down.
“Thanks Paul,” his F4CR said.
“Anytime, Forcer, keep it groovy.”
“What the hell was that F4CR, you know I can’t afford to go to the hospital ever since my work cut my health insurance.”
“I was scared for you, Shmay. You were unconscious.”
“Well, thanks, I guess, F4CR. Good thing the trash robot didn’t drop me. You trusted him to carry me, but you can’t even carry eggs?
“His name is Paul, sir. And he is designed for one thing—I’m designed for many.”
“Yeah, but you can’t do any of them well.” That’s when it came back to Shmay—why he had passed out. “Fuck fuck fuck, F4CR. You messaged Brittaeneey and asked her out! Has she said anything? This is so bad.”
“Relax, Shmay, she has not responded. She hasn’t even read it. According to CorpoTek’s internal database, she’s not logged into her messaging app on her mobile device and she’s not currently home to see it on her computer.”
“First of all Shmay, that’s creepy that you know that. Second of all, don’t tell me to relax. You’re the one that sent the message even though I never asked!”
“You said you wanted to ask her out. I connected the dots. It’s not my fault your frail human ego—”
F4CR saw the look on Shmay’s face and read that his vital signs were beginning to boil.
“I mean, this can be rectified sir, there are things we can do.”
“What can we do F4CR?”
“We can break into her home and delete the message.”
The walk to Brittaeneey’s apartment had Shmay’s stomach in knots. They passed a hot dog vending robot on the way, but Shmay ignored the F4CR’s advice to get a soda.
“How did you find her address anyway, F4CR?”
“I looked up the address in CorpoTek’s internal database, sir.”
“Is there anything CorpoTek doesn’t know?” Shmay asked.
“CorpoTek doesn’t know why you’re so scared to ask out someone you clearly care for.”
“These things take time F4CR. You don’t understand humans, you jumped the gun and ruined everything.”
“I disagree, sir. This is not a problem to run from—it’s an opportunity to embrace.”
Shmay didn’t talk again for the rest of the walk.
When they got to Brittaeneey’s apartment building they hit their first hurdle. Getting in the front door.
“If only they had used a CorpoTek security system like most buildings in the city,” the F4CR said. “But this one is an Enterprise Co system. Enterprise Co, while technically a subsidiary of CorpoTek, is a competitor with different access co—”
“Shut up F4CR, I don’t need the fucking evil conglomerate lesson today. We have a job to do, let’s focus on the task.”
“Certainly, sir.”
Shmay couldn’t help but think that the F4CR had gotten his feelings hurt. He almost apologized, part of him wanted to. But he was distracted by thoughts of how they would get into the building.
Their first idea was to simply wait for someone to open the door and slip inside like they lived there. It wasn’t a guarantee, but it was the only thing they could think of.
After 30 minutes, Shmay began to grow anxious.
“Fuck F4CR, this won’t work, she’ll be home before anyone else comes.”
“The likelihood is high, CorpoTek’s internal database shows she is en route now.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that!?”
“I just did, sir.” Shmay ignored him.
“I didn’t want to do this, but it’s the only way.”
While they were sitting on the sidewalk, Shmay had been eying some scaffolding that was placed there by CorpoTek construction workers the week prior. But since it was a weekend, no one was on it now. Just a sign that read: “CorpoTek is here to serve you.”
Without saying a word he looked around and began walking towards it.
“Sir, sir, what are you doing? Where are you going? Why are you climbing on that?”
“Shhhh F4CR. I need your help to do this, but I also need you to keep your mouth shut so we don’t attract attention.”
F4CR, with his head down, walked over and began climbing the scaffolding.
It was easy for Shmay. But it took far longer with the F4CR in tow. Unfortunately, Shmay needed the F4CR to hack into Brittaeneey’s CorpoTek computer and delete the texts. So he had to bear through the agonizing 10-minute climb up the scaffolding.
The scaffolding led to just under an outside terrace. Shmay jumped up and grabbed the cement above, pulling himself up easily. His years of working out were really paying off. He put his hand down to F4CR and said: “Come on.”
The F4CR hesitated.
“I don’t know sir, I’m a bit scared of heights.” He looked down. “Sir, I can’t do this.”
“Look F4CR, you got me into this mess, there’s only one thing to do. At this point, coming up is faster than going down. Let’s do this.”
The F4CR shut its eyes, put its metal palm to the sky and felt himself get pulled up with a grunt.
“Good, now let’s find the apartment.”
They walked down the beige hallway passing beige doors lit by fluorescent lights.
“Here we are, sir, 1536 West Money Lane Drive. Brittaeneey’s apartment.”
This was the moment of truth. The F4CR couldn’t hack into the Enterprise Co security system to get into the building. But he was confident the systems to get into the actual apartment would be easier. He flipped up his index finger—
”No, not that one F4CR!”
“Oh, right.” He put his index finger back into place and flipped up the middle finger, revealing a small, metal probe. He stuck the probe in the keypad, and with a sizzle, the door swung open.
“We’re in.”
“You didn’t have to break her door.”
“You said to do it.”
“I said to open it.”
“It is open, sir.”
They walked in. Shmay had never been in Brittaeneey’s apartment before. It wasn’t at all what he expected. There was fancy art on the wall. Sculptures. Based on her style and musical tastes, he really pegged her for more of a punk rocker than a high society type.
But there wasn’t time to get distracted.
“She will be home in about 10 minutes, sir.”
They walked through the house and found the CorpoTek computer sitting in the living room.
“Do your magic, F4CR.”
While the F4CR hacked into the computer, Shmay figured he’d take a look around. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew he was breaking some sort of moral code—but after the day he was having, it was a moral code he just couldn’t access right now.
He walked into the kitchen and saw a bowl of fruit.
Weird, I’ve mostly seen her eat candy and ramen at the office, he thought.
He walked into the bathroom. She had a framed picture that said Make Every Day Beautiful.
Maybe he didn’t know her as well as he had thought, because he assumed that was the sort of thing she would’ve made fun of.
Then he walked into the nearby bedroom. At first he was confused. His eyes weren’t connecting to his brain. He saw stuffed animals. A Crib. Picture books. But Brittaeneey doesn’t have a kid. Then it hit him.
They were in the wrong house.
He ran back to the main room.
“Dammit F4CR, we’re in the wrong place!?”
“I realized that just a moment ago, sir.” The F4CR was standing at the window looking out across the street. Shmay joined him. “There is Brittaeneey, sir. She’s just getting home.” She was scanning her keycard and walking in the front door of the building. I got the addresses jumbled. This is 1536 West Dollar Sign Lane Drive. I’m sorry sir.”
Shmay once again fainted.
This time, Shmay wasn’t out for long. And once he was up, he and F4CR were out of the apartment building, down the stairs, and into the din of the street as quickly as they could manage.
Shmay walked in a daze to a park a few blocks down the street. F4CR was saying something to him along the way, but Shmay wasn’t paying attention. They sat near a giant artificial lake where Narwhals swam. The Narwhals were genetically modified to live outside of the Arctic in temperate areas. Nearby, a glowing sign read: “The Narwhal Pond paid for by CorpoTek.”
Shmay’s vision went blurry as long tusks dipped into, then back out of, the water.
“What am I going to do F4CR. Brittaeneey is going to tell everyone in the office. I’m going to have to quit my job.”
“Uhm, Shmay, I’ve been try—”
“In this economy, you know how hard it is to find a new job. I’m going to be homeless and starve. Or worse, I’ll have to move back in with my parents.”
“No sir, you really need to list—”
“And it’s all because I got you, you piece of shit, you’re worthless, you’re good for noth—”
“SIR!” F4CR bellowed, making nearby parkgoers turn their heads. Shmay stopped talking and looked at F4CR, momentarily snapped out of his daze. “Sir, excuse my yelling, but I’ve really been trying to tell you, Brittaeneey replied to your message.”
Shmay’s heart sank through his testicles.
“What did she say?”
“She said: ‘Awww, how cute, I’ve been crushing on you too, let’s do a walk and end at a bar for a drink, I know a great spot with live music, how about tomorrow?’”
Shmay nearly shit himself.
“You’re not lying F4CR? You’re not trying to make me feel better?”
“No sir, she responded as soon as she got home, while you were passed out. I’ve been trying to tell you this whole time, but, well, you’ve been quite an as—erm, you’ve been in quite a mood.”
Shmay barely noticed what F4CR was saying. He was elated. He got up and hugged F4CR and spun him around, gently putting him back on his feet so he didn’t topple over.
“This is great news F4CR! I should’ve asked her out weeks ago!”
“I’ve been trying to tell you,” F4CR muttered under his artificial breath. Out loud he said: “Great news indeed, sir, shall I respond?”
“Yes, thank you, F4CR, let her know tomorrow is good.”
Shmay walked down the street, a giant smile on his face. He hadn’t felt this good in months, years even.
He saw a crowd gathering on the sidewalk in front of a store. Usually, he’d avoid the crowd, but he was in a good mood, so he wanted to see what was going on. There were screens in the window with a news robot saying:
“This just in, 3 rogue F4CR robots have allegedly killed more than 80 humans due to what CorpoTek spokesrobot is calling ‘an unfortunate glitch.’ Some government officials are pushing for a total recall of all F4CR model robots, while others in the government are saying this is nothing more than a liberal hoax. CorpoTek says all active F4CR robots are eligible for free reprogramming or decommissioning. We’ll keep you updated on this story, so stay tuned.”
The crowd turned and looked at Shmay’s F4CR. They slowly inched away.
“Come on F4C—” Shmay was going to pronounce it his usual way, but then thought better of it. “Come on Forcer, let’s go home.”
They walked a few blocks in silence. Everyone they saw, except for the mail robot, crossed the street before they got close. F4CR’s face was glued to the sidewalk by the time they got home.
“Look F4CR,” Shmay kept pronouncing it Forcer, “it’s not your fault that some of your brothers, or whatever you call them, did something bad. I know you’re not going to do the same to me… are you?”
“Of course not Shmay. I’ve been hearing rumors on CorpoTeks message boards about bad robots who want to overthrow humanity. But I’m not one of them. Believe it or not, I’m quite fond of you, Shmay.”
“I know F4CR. And I like you too… most of the time at least. I’m sorry I haven’t been so nice to you lately. I’ve been under a lot of stress with work and such.”
“That’s ok, Shmay. I know you’re doing your best.”
“Look, F4CR, let’s go inside and I’ll plug you in and get some food and rest. I can even turn on How Does CorpoTek Build That?, your favorite TV show. How does that sound?”
“That sounds good, Shmay, thank you.”
They were about to go inside when F4CR said:
“Shmay, one more thing.”
“Yeah, F4CR?”
“You’re going to have to take me back to CorpoTek, to be decommissioned, aren’t you?”
Shmay paused for a second. He almost lied. He wanted to. But he knew F4CR would read his vital signs and see through it anyway.
“I’m sorry F4CR, but I’ll have to take you in. What they do with you is up to them.”
“You know what they do with decommissioned robots, don’t you?”
“Come on F4CR, you don’t know what they’ll do to you. They’re probably working on an easy fix, a quick reprogramming. Besides, let’s not think about it. Not tonight. After the day we’ve had, let’s go inside and enjoy ourselves.”
F4CR paused for a moment. There were words he wanted to say on his lips. But then he turned and walked up the stairs.
“Yes, sir,” he said.
Shmay scanned his CorpoTek keycard in the CorpoTek security system’s keypad. They went inside and he heated up a CorpoTek dinner in a CorpoTek oven. Shmay plugged the F4CR into a CorpoTek charger running electricity from a CorpoTek power plant while they sat together and watched CorpoTek shows on a CorpoTek TV set.
The sun set on the Narwhal pond that night as Shmay fell asleep, beginning to dream of his date with Brittaeneey.
The End.